


Ninety nine problems but a birch ain't one

by Unholyravioli



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: Gay Panic, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Sorry, M/M, One sided kliensen, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Tree Bros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-04-23 01:32:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 19,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14321604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unholyravioli/pseuds/Unholyravioli
Summary: Connor and Evan are dysfunctional boys that need to get over themselves. They may or may not be dreadfully in love with eachother and Jared may or may not mess with Evan's emotions just a little bit.I'm sso sorry about update schedule, but I'll get there!!! Here's to an adventure in yet another version of these kids lives.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Evan and Connor are already kinda friends in this, it will make sense, I swear! I may have made some small adjustments to the cannon universe, don't attack me.

Evan scratched his ear as he looked up at the Birch tree in front of him. He was vaguely aware of the white noise in the back of his mind that never did seem to leave him alone. It kept growing louder.

Persistent.

Louder.

It wouldn't stop.

He sucked in a breath, Evan was not going to freak out right before his death. He clenched his jaw before pulling himself onto the first branch. He couldn't give up now, although a voice was telling him that the tree wasn't tall enough he ignored it. 

He reached up to grab the next branch and his hand wrapped around a thin branch, too small to climb onto. He reached the top. Evan took a shakey breath before turning from the trunk and moving as far out as he could go. The teen took a long look around the orchard and closed his eyes, he let himself fall. It took too long to hit the ground. He let out a gasp of air as he came in contact with the ground. He felt a shock of pain fly through his arm. The boy scrambled to his feet as fast as he could with his seemingly broken arm. Hot tears sliped down his cheeks from the shame of failing yet again. Evan started the walk to his car, he hated driving, but did it anyway so he wouldn't have to rely on his mom so much. His mom, he couldn't tell her how this happened, it would destroy her. Losing himself in his thoughts was too easy, he spent at least ten minutes staring at the door of his car, trying to come up with a valid excuse for having broken his arm. Evan shook his head and opened the door. He started the drive to the hospital while losing himself in thought once again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know, stuff happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got bored so I'm posting a new chapter today

About a couple months later school was starting up once again. Evan had yet to tell Connor about his arm and since they didn't really hang out outside of school, Connor just didn't know. Evan tapped on his cast, a nervous tick he developed since breaking his arm.

He walked by the kitchen while waving at his mom, "bye mom"

"Wait, Evan, honey, hold on" She turned from the counter to Evan who had stopped walking. He nods and looked up at her, his fingers still tapping on the cast

"yeah... what is it?" She walked over to him, her eyebrows drawn together in worry, she always seemed to be worried over something recently, may it be Evan or her work.

"Don't forget to breathe, just remember that, I love you, have a good day" Evan nodded, unsure of what to say.

"I... I have to go mom, see you tonight" He walked out to his car and started the drive to school. He was worried, as usual, what would he say to Connor, would Jared even care?

 _'I can't do this.'_ His foot started to press on the break, he was already halfway to school. ' _I really can't go.'_ He couldn't disapoint his mom, not again. Evan pulled into the parking lot and rested his head on the stearing wheel while trying to collect his thoughts.

"Today is going to be a good day, just breathe-" Evan hated saying that, it wasn't as easy as it sounded. He took a deep breath and raised his head. The teen slowly got out of the car and walked into the school. He cringed at the sudden rush of voices as he opened the door. He glanced around the cafeteria and spotted Connor sitting at a table. He walked over and silently sat across from him, their friendship was undefined, it mainly consisted of silence and subtle glances at eachother.

It was quiet at that table, and that was good. Evan could handle quiet, he couldn't handle small talk, he wasn't any good at it. That was when Jared slid into the spot next to Evan who noticed a visible grimace on Connor's face when Jared came. 

"How's my favorite school shooter?" He asked. Evan gasped quietly

"Jared, no..." he mumbled, it amazed him how insensitive Jared was sometimes. 

Connor's hair fell into his face as he shakes his head "Jared Kleinman, my favorite person." He rolled his eyes and Evan shot a knowing look his direction. 

"We both know that's not true, what with Evan here" he laughed and leaned closer to Evan "I don't approve" he whispered before walking away.

Evan rested his head on the table and groaned quietly. Today was already a bad day and the school day hadn't even technically begun. 

"Why are you friends with that dick?" Connor asks. Evan just shook his head and ignored the question. The day needed to be over, and it needed to be over soon. "Evan, where are you?" Connor's tone was softer, it was strange hearing him snap at Evan. "Better yet, what happened to your arm?"

That was when he couldn't take it. Everything was already too much. He took a few shakey breaths and closed his eyes. He counted to ten and then back to one. "I fell... I fell out of a tree"

Connor shook his head "that's stupid" 

Evan tensed up, he knew this was just how Connor was. He knew he shouldn't take the other seriously. He took everything seriously though.

Evan stared down at his lap and starts rubbing his shirt between his fingers. Connor didn't say anything else. He didn't need to. Evan swallowed, his mouth went dry.

The bell rings, Evan stood Connor stays seated. Evan knew Connor skipped classes, it worried him, everything worried him. "Connor, you, um, you should probably go to class" he said in an attempt to ease his worries.

Connor just shook his head "maybe, I'll see you fourth hour if I'm still here"

Evan nods and starts walking to class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I based the highschool off of my highschool so if it seems weird that the cafeteria is what you first walk into, sorry.


	3. chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more stuff happens, Evan gives Connor a ride home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay! Another chapter is out

Evan didn’t see Connor in fourth hour, or at lunch, but he did see him as he walked out to the parking lot. Connor was leaning against Evan’s car, a cigarette held loosely between his lips. Evan cautiously approached him.

“Uh, Connor, could you, um, please not smoke, at least not around me, I mean, sorry.” He was back to nervously tapping his fingers on his cast.

Connor took out the cigarette “It’s not lit Hansen, calm down.” he shook his head lightly “Anyway, no one’s signed your cast”, he pointed out. Connor was staring at the cast, not even being subtle about it.

“Uh, yeah, you know I don’t really have many friends.” he glanced down at his blank cast. Connor had never really talked to him this much. It made Evan somewhat uneasy, but maybe it was an acquired taste. He was willing to know Connor, which was strange, most people would cower under Connor’s glare, especially Evan, but he was okay with this.

“Do you have a sharpie?”

Evan was suddenly aware of the presence of a sharpie in his back pocket. “Uh, yeah, but really, y-you don’t have to”, he stutters, his anxiety was heightened. ‘Talking to another human being should not do this to you’ he mentally chided himself ‘you’re better than this’.

“Just give me the sharpie” he held out his hand impatiently, as if he had better things to do. He probably did.  
Evan just nodded and pulled out the sharpie. He held it tight as he gave it to Connor in fear of dropping it. He took a deep breath as he watched him uncap the sharpie and write his name across the entire cast in big letters.

Evan’s shoulders dropped as he saw how big the name was. There was no way that wouldn’t catch attention. “Why… why did you write it like that?” He asked quietly

Connor just shrugged and handed the sharpie back to Evan. “Because, why not”

Evan nodded and slipped the sharpie into his pocket. “Is that all you wanted?” It came out ruder than he had intended “I didn’t mean- that was really rude, sorry.” He rushed out, trying to apologize and explain himself at the same time. He started picking at the hem of his shirt, slowly pulling out any loose threads. He knew he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t stop himself from doing it.

Connor rolled his eyes and waved his hand as if brushing Evan’s comment away. “You say sorry too much.” Evan started to apologize but Connor cut him off “no, that’s not all Zoe left without me and she’s my ride, so can I get a ride?” He pushed his hair back with his hand.

Evan nodded again, his face flushing slightly at the mention of his long time crush “yeah, sure”, he walked around to the other side and slid into the driver's seat. He waited until Connor was in before buckling his seatbelt and starting the car. He noticed Connor never buckled his seatbelt. “Seatbelt” he mumbled and turned to the other. Connor just rolled his eyes and did as asked.

He gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles went white and pulled out of the parking low. By the time they actually started moving the lot was almost empty, a few stoners and football players scattered around either smoking or just talking. One less thing for Evan to worry about. He loosened up his grip and started driving.

As Evan pulled out onto the street Connor gave directions to his house. They arrived there safely, to the immense relief of Evan’s, and Connor got out of the car as soon as Evan pulled into the driveway. Before shutting the door Connor turned to Evan

“My mom is going to want to meet you now that you’ve brought me home. I don’t get out much according to her” a ghost of a smile flickered across his face. “Thanks for the ride” he shut the door and walked off without giving Evan time to respond.

Evan sighed, he would’ve said something, anything to get himself out of meeting Connor’s family. He shook his head and convinced himself that Connor wasn’t being serious. He didn’t seem like the type to make jokes, but maybe there was more to him. He was suddenly aware that he was still parked in the driveway. Evan panicked and quickly pulled out as to not seem weird. ‘There goes my chances at making a good impression if I ever do meet them’. He sighed and started the drive home.

Evan tapped the steering wheel as he started to get lost in thought while driving.  _'he was probably just using me as a ride, we aren't actual friends. More like acquaintances' ._ Evan groaned quietly, maybe he did want a friend that didn't constantly remind him that he "was just a family friend". He pulled into his own driveway and took a deep breath. His mom wasn't home yet, that gave him time to calm down. 

Evan got out of the car and walked up to the door, his hand shook as he unlocked the door. He finally made it in, he didn't eat, he didn't do anything but go directly to his room and curl up on his bed. He didn't sleep, but it wasn't because of Connor, it was just everything. Nothing was going right, except maybe Connor didn't hate him. Evan's thoughts were at war with each other and it wasn't helping anything. He finally just shut his eyes and tried not to think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Validation is nice, Kudos and comments are always appreciated!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Connor hanging out, stuff happens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I finally got this up, I wrote this when I was supposed to be sleeping. I had help with this chapter, a lot of help, so just giving him credit.

The next day at school Connor handed Evan a note and walked off without saying a word. He glanced down at the slightly crumpled paper in his hands and carefully opened it. He smoothed the paper against the books in his hand and read it.

“I was right, my mom does want to meet you, now that you’re my savior- anyway, do you want to come over tomorrow night for dinner, I’m sure she’ll be trying some new recipe for us to try. It’s honestly okay if you don’t though, I wouldn’t want to either.”

Evan swallowed as he reread the note, he knew he didn’t want to go, but he couldn’t just say no. He didn’t want to disappoint his friend, acquaintance, whatever Connor was to Evan, he couldn’t say no. it wouldn’t be fair of him. He sighed in resignation, folded the note up, and made his way to class. Evan told himself to stop thinking about it.  
Evan walked through the door of fourth hour English and sat down at his desk, placing his other books to the side. He opened his notebook up on the desk while he waited for class to start.

“What are you writing?”

Evan jumped and looked up “C-Connor, I was just working on an essay for another class, you know, I uh, sorry”  
Connor nodded and sat down.

He rolled his eyes at the apology and spoke again. “I’m actually here today” he said in mock disbelief.

Evan nodded quickly “Y-yeah, I, uh, noticed” he laughed awkwardly and clicked his pen a few times against his notebook nervously. “Was that mean? I didn’t mean for that to sound like that” he cringed and his word choice. Evan was tense right now, he was unsure if Connor would ask him about the dinner.

“You still apologize too much, can you come over tomorrow, or do I need to tell them to not bother with anything?”

Evan flushed “I-I don’t know Connor, I’ll h-have to ask my mom, she probably won’t mind though” he nodded to himself and continues to absentmindedly click his pen.

Connor reaches over with his pencil and writes something in the corner of the page next to a small tree doodle. “Let me know what she says when you get home so I can let them know”

Evan looks at what he wrote, his name and a phone number “Oh, uh, sure. I can do that, text right? I prefer text at least, there’s none of those awkward pauses and having to actually talk to someone about things until one of the people finally hangs up, but that can never be me, that’s actually really rude, so-”

Connor nodded and cut Evan off “shut up, yeah, texting is fine”

Evan looked up about to say something when the teacher walked in. The teacher talked but Evans mind was on the dinner and remembering to text Connor after school by telling himself it would be rude to not do as told. After class he began to pick his books up ‘the teacher was talking and I missed everything he said, figures’ Evan thought to himself as he stood up.

Connor caught Evan on his way out of the room “Hey, I didn’t get any of that, did you?” he asked in a poor excuse of starting a conversation.

Evan slowly shook his head “J-Jared has this class too, I was hoping I could maybe get them off him, if you want I could get them to you too?” He says it more as a question that anything, “Why didn’t you get your notes?” Evan adds on quickly while pulling at his shirt.

“Look Hansen, I’m high off my ass right now and I don’t do school even when I’m not, but I promised my mom I’d try today and I may be a shitty person but I don’t back out on promises, so yeah, notes would be great” Connor didn’t ask why Evan didn’t get the notes, he just walked out, his bag slung over his shoulder.

Evan nodded even though Connor had already walked out and he headed for the cafeteria. Evan sees Jared at his locker on his way and slowly made his way through the crowd to him. “J-Jared!? Did you get the any notes f-from English?” he stuttered out, he didn’t even know if Jared would be willing to share his notes, and he didn’t want to disapoint Connor.

“Yeah, I did, you need a copy” Evan nodded before Jared tossed a notebook at his “Here, get them back to me by the end of the day” Jared turned back to his locker and Evan walked off after thanking him. He added the notebook to the stack and walked into the cafeteria. He took a seat at a table and pulled Jared and his notebooks out.

Evan was writing the shorthand version of the notes, he was having trouble concentrating and the impending doom of the dinner tomorrow was enough to make him have a little bit of trouble with his breathing. Connor came by and gracelessly fell into the seat across from Evan. He was alone at the table, Jared had come by but had left a while ago to talk to not family friends. He forced a small smile in Connors direction “Y-you can sit over h-here and take your notes too?” Everything kept coming out as a question around Connor, he didn’t want to upset him.

Connor slid around the table until he got next to Evan, he looked at the notes, “thanks, for the notes I mean”

Evan nodded “yeah, of course, I-I needed them anyway” Connor just nodded and pulled out his notebook. The two stayed in silence as they took the notes. Evan finished first, he glanced up at the other teen, “W-what made you stay in school today?” He asked quietly.

Connor thought for a second, “Probably out of spite, maybe I thought we could talk more, the dinner would be more awkward than usual if we didn’t ever talk before than.”

Evan internally panicked when he mentioned the dinner, “T-that makes sense, but why out of spite?” he was confused, he wouldn’t think Connor would be the type of person to just do something out of spite.

“My mom doesn’t want me at school high, so here I am” he shrugs and takes a few more notes. ‘Shit, shit, shit, you’re gonna scare the kid’ Connor thought ‘just take notes, keep him from freaking out, and maybe earn his friendship’

Evan flushed again “Connor, why do you um, smoke, the uh, drugs? Isn’t that really dangerous to your health?” His eyes went wide “Y-you could die!” He grips the pen tightly while staring at Connor.

“Eh, it’s probably not the best, but I’ll be fine, don’t worry about me, no one ever does and look where I am!” his voice raised in frustration as he spread his arms dramatically, which earned a few odd looks from the other students but they quickly turned back to their groups when their judging glances were met with a glare from Connor.

Evan gasped lightly before speaking “because, well, you’re not as much of an asshole that e-everyone else thinks” the swear feels strange as it comes out, but as Evan may bring out the good in Connor, Connor brought out the slightly more rude and less apologetic side of Evan.

Connor pushed his open notebook away and looked at Evan curiously “I’m an asshole Evan, you should know that, everyone already does.” Connor quickly changed the subject “why didn’t you get the notes? I noticed you usually do good, not that I was watching you or anything” Connor muttered the last part nervously.

Evan sighed lightly and looked down at his closed notebook, he tapped on it out of habit, “uh, I was thinking, I wasn’t really paying attention” he couldn’t explain that the only reason he ever did well in school was because his anxiety always got the best of him.

“Alright” he nodded and looked over his notes, letting a comfortable silence fall over the pair. Evan opened his notebook back up to an empty page and began writing. After a while of the two writing in silence Connor swiftly stood up “I’ll see you tomorrow Evan” he mumbled and slowly walked off.

Evan just nodded and continued writing, he wasn’t even aware that Connor had left, he just heard the other say something and went along with it. He looked up and found the cafeteria emptying out. Evan just packed up and moved onto his next class, trying not to dwell on Connor and the dinner too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come bother me on tumblr @annoyingballofanger if y'all want, we can discuss musicals and atuff


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more platonic tree bros, panic attacks happen, so if you don't like that, don't read.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhhhHhhhh, I love my sons so much. You guys get an extra long chapter just because this took too long to finish. Also, I fully support the idea of Connor being a huge marvel nerd, and an artist. I just support Connor.

Evan had gotten the okay from Heidi and Evan wished he hadn’t. The next day arrived far too soon and Evan was sitting in his car, going nowhere. He was rubbing his thumb raw on his shirt with his foot resting on the gas pedal. He wondered fleetingly if he should have rescheduled, however he soon found himself starting the car and shifting into drive.

“I’ll be late if I don’t leave now” he muttered to himself while letting go of his shirt and pulling out onto the street. Evan glanced around the street nervously as he started to drive. He double checked the address on his phone and paid close attention to the street signs. He didn’t want to get the address wrong and end up late to the dinner. The teen quietly argued with himself as he drove. Before he had enough time to mentally prepare himself, he had arrived.

He put the car in park and shut it off. He walked up to the door, took a deep breath, and knocked. He stepped back and started tapping his cast as he looked up at the house. ‘ _ It’s a nice house, plenty of space, am I ready for this?’ _

He decided he wasn’t quite ready and was stepping back just as the door opened to reveal a disheveled looking Connor. His hair was tied up, something Evan had never seen before but could get used to. Evan coughed and looked down at the front steps, still tapping on the cast. Connor pulled his hair out of the bun and let it fall in his face again. “Come in”

He quietly followed Connor, closing the door behind him. Evan looked around as they walked, he didn’t want to seem rude but he couldn’t help but take notes about the house and the inhabitants. It was a clean house, it showed that the Murphy family was just like any other normal family. You’d have to look closely to see any imperfections due to age or things being thrown and cracked.

Connor had led Evan into the kitchen where Cynthia was cooking and Larry was reading the newspaper. Cynthia turned and smiled “Oh, and you must be Evan” he just nodded and shook her outstretched hand after making sure it wasn’t too sweaty.

“Nice to meet you” Evan smiled slightly, “uh, yes, yes, I am Evan. E-Evan Hansen”. Evan mentally chided himself once more for being so awkward before Connor spoke up again.

“Yeah, we’re going to go now, we’ll be down for dinner” Connor started for the stairs.

Evan shot Cynthia a small smile and hurried after Connor. In his rush he accidentally clipped Connor’s heal. “Oh, sorry Connor, I’m, uh, really sorry” Connor just brushed it off and walked into his room. He waited until Evan had stepped in and closed the door.

Evan looked around the room, chaotic, but a chaotic clean. A form of mess that has its own order. Naturally, the walls were a dark grey, and the bedspread was a lighter shade of grey. A lot of the room was grey, and Evan found it calming. “You apologize too much.” Connor sat on the bed and gestured for Evan to do the same. Evan sat awkwardly, “Sor- uh, you have a nice house, I mean, it looks nice.”

Connor just nodded and crossed his legs. “It’s okay” he nodded. Evan silently agreed with him and began to pick at the bed spread out of habit before panicking and pulling his hand away quickly. He scooted closer to the edge of the bed and decided to finally say something, “uh, well, it’s nicer than the majority of houses in my neighborhood, I mean.” A silence fell between them again. Evan has never been a good conversationalist.

“If my family gets to be too much find a way to casually tell me and I’ll get you out” Connor finally said. 

Evan nodded as he began picking at his cast. “Do you know what we’re having?”

Connor instantly replied, “food, other than that, no”'

After a few moments of the boys sitting in silence and Evan rubbing his thumb raw against his shirt, Cynthia called them down to eat. Connor stood and gestured for Evan to follow him Connor walked along the wood floor softly, which surprised Evan, he expected Connor to be the type who was rough with everything, even walking.

Evan trailed behind Connor as they made their way down the stairs. Connor fell into a seat at the table as Evan lingered near the doorway, unsure of what to do. “Evan, you can sit” Cynthia spoke up quietly while gesturing to a seat next to Connor. Evan just nodded and moved to the seat. He slowly pulled it out and sat down carefully with his hands tucked under his thighs so there were no chances of messing anything up.

Soon everyone was seated around the table and they began fixing their plates. “So, you’re Connor’s friend? I was thinking he didn’t have any,” Zoe looked at Evan ignoring the glare from her brother.

“Uh, yeah, from school” Evan nodded not knowing how to reply to a comment like that, so instead of elaborating he put a little food on his plate and tried not to make direct eye contact.

Larry looked up from his plate, “did he pay you to bring him home? Connor doesn’t even talk to us, let alone strangers” he sent a disapproving glare in Connor’s direction.

Evan noticed and decided he really didn’t like Larry, “actually, no, we uh, already knew each other before he asked.” He mumbled quietly

Larry raised an eyebrow, “How’d you meet then? I can’t imagine either of you going up to the other.” Connor watched Evan silently, letting him reply first, deciding that he would only answer if it was needed.

“I-I mean school is, well, you just kind of know people,” Evan began, trying desperately to explain while not exactly telling the truth.

“We were partners for a school thing” Connor lied instead of telling the real reason they knew each other was because Connor pushed Evan after a misunderstanding last year. Evan just nodded and went along with the lie. He was staring at his plate, still not making eye contact with anyone.

Evan sighed a silent thanks to Connor for helping him before Cynthia spoke again, “You know we don’t bite, you can talk. Or at least look at us.” Evan used his fork to push the food around on his plate, forcing himself to look up as much as he can while trying to ignore the growing feeling in his stomach.

Cynthia smiled softly at Evan and he nodded slightly. He felt like he could throw up, he was messing this whole thing up, and now Connor was going to think he was a freak. Evan glanced over at Connor who appeared to be having a stare down with Larry. AS he was pushing the food around, Evan’s hand slipped and the fork clattered against the plate causing the occupants of the table to jolt up in shock. Evan sucked in a quick breath and mumbled an apology.

“I-I need to use the bathroom,” Evan quickly stuttered out before standing and quickly walking to the bathroom he passed upstairs.

“Good job picking friends” Larry muttered before Connor snapped at him

“Shut up! You are stressing him out, he can’t handle that much attention, he’s had a hard enough time being my friend, you’re not helping” he quickly ran up the stairs after Evan leaving a shocked Larry.Evan had locked himself in the bathroom, he was trying to calm down his breathing while clearing his head. Connor knocked on the dor “Evan, you good?” You could’ve told me they were making things worse or some shit, I could easily get you out” his voice was soft. Connor was leaning against the door, he could hear Evan trying to cover up his gasps for air but he didn’t want to make it worse by barging in without warning.

Evan didn’t say anything, instead he focused on covering his mouth with his hand to try and regain his composure. He back against the door he managed a quiet, “g-go. I’m f-fine” amidst his quiet sobs and gasps.

Connor scoffed, “like hell you’re fine, can I come in?”

Evan shook his head but realized Connor couldn’t see him. He didn’t want Connor to worry so he took and few shaky breaths and spoke, “yeah, o-okay” Connor slowly walked in to see Evan with his eyes clenched shut, his breathing irregular. He looked like he was on the verge of tears.

Connor quietly muttered a “shit” before slowly sitting down beside the almost hyperventilating Evan. “I’m going to put my hand on your back, that okay?” Once Evan nods Connor carefully does so, gently rubbing his back as an attempt to calm him down. “It’s okay, deep breaths. In and out. “ He quietly instructed.

Evan was struggling but after a while to listening to Connor’s soothing his breathing evened out and he took a few calming breaths before looking up at Connor with wide eyes. He tried to speak but each time he tried to form words he lost control and started breathing heavily again. As he was focusing on his breathing he mumbled out an apology, “I-I’m really sorry, y-you shouldn’t have t-to deal with this”

“Stop apologize, don’t worry. Don’t speak, you need to focus.” Connor continued to rub circles on Evan’s back, “At least you’re breathing, it could be worse” Connor quietly joked, trying to get Evan to smile.

He nodded slightly, “I’m… I’m fine Connor” Evan sucked in a breath and let it out slowly. He pressed his palms to his eyes, trying to block out everything and willing this to be a really bad dream. He let his hands drop and he looked around in disappointment. His breathing was still rapid but he was considerably calmer than before.

“Yeah, you look great. You want to get out of here and go back to my room so you’re not on the floor? I can take you home if needed”

Evan shook his head quickly, “no, I can stay, that is, if you want me to. I should probably go apologize to your family though” Evan rambled as Connor led the two back to his room.

Connor laughed slightly as he guided Evan to the bed, “You can stay, and if anything they should apologize to you. I’ll be right back”

Evan nodded, “Where are you going?”

“I’m telling them we’re done eating a to leave us alone” Evan watched as Connor left the room. He sighed and dragged his hand through his hair and looked around the room. Connor soon came back with a pissed look on his face.

“What happened?” Evan asked carefully trying to read his expression better. Connor angrily walked over and fell onto the bed.

“Larry thinks you should apologize for disrupting dinner” He held an arm out to keep Evan from standing, “he’s wrong, let him be mad” Connor shook his head. 

“I did disrupt dinner though,” Evan looked down, “No, they caused you to, so the blame goes to them.” Connor pushed his hair behind his ear and closed his eyes for a second.

Evan looked at Connor “you should wear your hair up more often, I saw it earlier, and, um, I just think it looks good on you, I don’t know, sorry that’s like, really creepy” Evan looked down at the bedspread immediately regretting saying anything.

Connor chuckled slightly, “I usually only tie it up when it gets in my eyes too bad or when it’s too hot,” he pauses “thank you”

Evan paused before replying, “Why was it up earlier? You looked,” he thought, “disheveled”

Connor let out a short laugh “Hansen, I always look disheveled” he shook his head “I only had it tied up because I was just working on something” he gestured to a small stack of sketchbooks.

Evan smiled at that, “Can I take a look? I didn’t know you drew”

Connor grimaced slightly and flipped through a few books before grabbing one. He tossed it to Evan and watched as he slowly opened it. That particular book was mostly halfway done sketches that had been abandones. A lot of them were people from school that Connor had roughly sketched. “Not a lot of people do, hell, I don’t even know if my family does”

“These are actually pretty good, I like them” Evan smiled as he flipped through the pages taking in each drawing.

Connor laughed nervously. “Thanks, I guess” Evan handed the book back and smiled. Evan bagan fiddling with the hem of his shirt unsure of what to say next. Coonor stayed silencem watching Evan to make sure he really was okay.

Evan’s breathing was back to normal. He still had a scared look in his eyes, but he always looked like that. Evan pulled at his shirt nervously and glanced at Connor.

Connor just looked back at him. Evan began worrying that Connor ws going to make him leave and them he wasn’t going to talk to him anymore and- his train of thought was interrupted by Connor speaking, “breathe, you look like you’re going to pass out. Do you want me to put a movie in or something?”

Evan nodded “yeah, that’d be fine”.He quickly pushed away his previous thoughts after realizing that Connor does want him. Evan watched as Connor stood up to put on a movie.

“Any requests?” Connor asked as he looked through the stack beside the TV. Evan shook his head with a small no. Connor picked up his favorite movie and put the rest away. He started it as he walked back to the bed.  
Evan moved closer to the edge of the bed so that Connor could have enough room. He didn’t recognize the movie, so he just stayed quiet.

Connor propped himself on the headboard, “Sit up here. Get comfortable, you don’t have to sit on the edge” he moved some.

Evan moved a little so that he was away from the edge of the bed. He still wasn’t next to Connorm but he was considerably more comfortable. Connor only rolled his eyes and turned his attention to the movie.

Evan crossed his legs on the bed and messed with the hem of his shirt as he watched the movie. Connor glanced at Evan occasionally. He had grwon attached to the anxious boy and was worried about him.

After watching a bit of the movie Evan realized he hadn’t been paying attention, he had been lost in thought. He turned to Connor, “I uh, missed a bit, what’s going on?”

“Have you never seen “age of ultron” before?” Evan shook his head and Connor looked at him in disbelief and moved closer to Evan. “Okay, so, the Avengers were just fighting the Hydra agents to get into the base” Evan nodded along starting to understand what was happening.

After that, Evan became increasingly more comfortable with Connor and by the time Evan left to go home, Connor was constantly getting smiles out of the other teen.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary??  
> why?  
> I don't know, just two guys being dudes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm getting this out a day in advance because I have a lot of free time.  
> This is really dialogue heavy. Woops

Evan rubbed at his eyes as he glanced at the clock. It read four thirty A.M. He should be asleep, he had school in a few hours, but his attempts were worthless. He rolled around in bed until his covers were all tangled up and uncomfortable, so he shoved them off the bed with his feet.He rolled over onto his side, facing away from the alarm clock. Evan curled in on himself. Laying there he thought over the events of the previous day, or was it still the same day because he never fell asleep, and before he was prepared for it his alarm went off. He shut it off quickly as he slowly stood up. He walked over to his closet to start his morning routine. After finishing everything he found himself sitting in the car, still having never left the driveway. Before he could talk himself out of going to school and going to bed to sleep all day he found that he was carefully pulling out onto the road.

Once at school he parked the car and slowly walked into the building with bag over his shoulder, his movements felt sluggish from lack of sleep. He made it to his homeroom class and into his seat before laying his head down to try to get a little sleep before the teacher arrived, but to no avail. He brought his head up as he heard a voice addressing him with a playful tone to the words.

“You awake there?”

He just stared for a moment before replying with a quiet hum and a simple reply, “Y-yeah, sorry. Were you saying something?” Evan glanced up at Connor with a tired smile.

“Just tryna get your attention” he shook his head and fell into the seat next to Evan. The class had free seating, so Evan figured he could expect Connor to sit there for now.

Evan just hummed again and rested his head on his arms. “Well, you have it now” his eyes fell closed but he was still awake.

“Jesus Hansen, how much sleep did you get?” Connor propped his head on his hand.

Evan shrugged and thought for a moment, “I didn’t”

“Hansen, hypocritical or not, you need sleep,” Connor shook his head

“I know, I just couldn’t sleep.”

Connor didn’t reply, but instead turned his focus to the small sketch on the corner of a page that he hadn’t realized he started. He watched as his hand formed an indentifiable face, Evans. His thoughts drifted off as to way he couldn’t sleep. He was worried, not that he would admit that about the other boy. Worried about if Evan really was okay after what happened the day before. He did eventually get sleep, which is more than could be said about Evan, he briefly wondered why Evan couldn’t sleep. “Could I come over after school? Meet your mom, anywhere but my own house?” he asked Evan.

The boy in question jolted up again and looked over at Connor tiredly. He tried to remember if his house was presentable or not. “Um, yeah, s-sure, do you need a ride, or…” he trailed off.

“Yeah, if you don’t mind, Zoe would lose her shit if I asked her to take me” Connor rolled his eyes.

Evan shook his head. “No, yeah, of course I can take you, it’s no problem really” he rambled quickly. Evan looked down and picked at his cast, he read Connor’s name out of habit while trying to avoid eye contact with him. A silence fell over the two before Evan spoke up again. “Is Zoe always like that? She seemed really, um, hostile? I don’t know if t-that’s the right word, but, uh, she didn’t seem like the sweet girl everyone knows at school” Evan looked up at Connor to see a scowl form on his face.

“Yeah, we used to be close, but we fell apart a year or two ago.” He spat out bitterly, it was clear Connor didn’t like talking about Zoe. Which also sent the message that the real reason Connor wanted a ride with Evan was because of her.

“I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to bring up a sensitive topic” Evan winced and his breathing hitched. He didn’t want to mess up and lose his only friend.

“No, it’s fine, just, whatever” Connor turned away from Evan as their teacher walked in. Evan sighed and opened his notebook to take notes.

The rest of the day seemed to fly by, Evan just went through the motions of an average day but never stopped thinking about first hour. He wondered if Connor hated him now. Much to Evan’s disbelief, Connor didn’t hate him, quite the opposite actually. Connor felt a strong urge to get closer to the other.

The last bell rang before Evan was completely prepared, and Evan knew he would have to leave the room eventually. He waited until it cleared out before slowly walking out to the parking lot. He found Connor sitting on a bench scowling at his phone. Evan walked up and stood in front of him. “A-are you ready to go?” he asked quietly, not wanting to disturb Connor if he was in the middle of something important. Connor looked up at Evan quickly and his scowl softened into a soft smile.

Evan’s heart started to race and he didn’t know why. He bit into the inside of his lip and glanced down at the cracked concrete. “Yeah, let’s go, I’m ready” Connor slung his bag over his shoulder and stood up.

Evan smiled and started the short walk to his car. Connor lagged behind slightly, he was thinking too much. He considered backing out and just going home to endure his family for the evening. He quickly cleared his head and sped up a little to catch up with his ride.

Evan tossed his bag into the back seat and started the car as soon as Connor was in the car with his seatbelt buckled.  
The drive to Evan’s house was quiet, mostly because Evan was too focused on the road and Connor was trying not to think of Evan. It was a growing problem, Connor couldn’t stop thinking about Evan whether he was worried or just thinking of him in general.

Evan pulled to a stop in front of his house and turned to Connor. “It’s not as big or fancy as yours, but it’s um, y’know, it’s home” he grabbed his bag out of the back seat and pushed the door open.

Connor sighed and got out of the car. “It’s fine, Evan” He watched Evan nod and grab a key out of his pocket to unlock the door. He walked in and waited until Connor was inside to close the door.

Evan gestured for Connor to follow him upstairs to his room. He dropped his bag on the floor and turned to Connor. A silence fell over the two as Evan was trying to find something to say. ‘What if he really doesn’t want to be here, what if-’ Evan cut himself off. Connor had specifically told him that he wanted to be here. “Do you want to watch a movie or something? I don’t know, this is weird, sorry”

Connor laughed a little, “Yeah, a movie would be great”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I'm not completely satisfied with the last little bit either. Sorry
> 
> Come complain to me on tumblr, @annoyingballofanger


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Pining Connor. A little bit of gay stuff happens.  
> I don't know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THank the lord. I finally got this chapter finished. I started this Thursday and finished it yesterday. It took way too long

The two were already halfway through the movie. It was a disney movie, the name, Connor couldn’t remember. Evan had let him choose the movie so he just grabbed one. Little did Connor know that the majority of what Evan owned was Disney and nature documentaries. He laughed at the thought of Evan getting that excited over trees. He made a silent vow to himself that he would get Evan to watch a horror movie with him, Evan would never agree to that. Connor shook his head at the thought and laughed quietly. He looked over at the actual Evan to see him curled in on himself under a blanket, he had acquired one at some point during the movie. He was watching the movie more intently than Connor had ever seen someone watch a movie, he smiled slightly, but made sure that Evan couldn’t see. Not that Evan was anywhere near looking at Connor, he had been sucked in by the movie and there was no getting him out of that trance.

The two were over halfway through the movie when Connor noticed Evan yawning and his eyes glazing over with drowsiness. He moves to get up. “W-wait, no, where a-are you going?” Evan murmured in Connor’s direction, eyes still on the screen.

“Home, it’s getting late, and you’re obviously tired, thanks for having me over though” Connor smiled slightly at the other and Evan let out a happy sounding sigh.

“You should stay over, for the night I mean” Evan hummed quietly and glanced out the window, “Y’know, y-you shouldn’t really drive when it’s this dark, that’s dangerous, just text your mom or something” Connor laughed at that and sat back down.

“Alright Hansen, you win, I guess I can stay” ‘but only because you’re cute’. Of course Connor didn’t say that last part, but he could live with that. Evan didn’t need to know. Evan smiled softly and grabbed an extra blanket. He tossed it to Connor and watched him look at it like he didn’t know what to do with it.

Evan scooted closer to Connor and took the blanket from him. His eyelids droop as he slowly wrapped the blanket around him. “There, that’s better…” Connor blinked a couple times. Was Evan even legal? No person should be that pure. He pulled the blanket tighter around himself and sunk into the couch. Evan didn’t move from his spot next to Connor, the opposite of that actually. He leaned into Connor and continued watching the movie as if nothing was happening. Evan probably wasn’t even aware he was doing this, he seemed exhausted.

Connor ignored Evan pressing up against him and decided to focus on whatever they were watching. There wasn’t much left, just enough to lull Evan to sleep. The brunette didn’t know what to do so he just shifted Evan until he was in a more comfortable position, so maybe Connor wasn’t the most comfortable, but as long as Evan was, everything would be okay. He shifted one of the pillows he was leaning on and closed his eyes, and maybe it was Evan’s presence, or maybe it was him finally feeling okay for once in his life, but he fell asleep right away.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Evan never liked waking up. He found bliss in escaping the world for a while, so waking up was never anything he looked forward to. Although, waking up next to Connor wasn’t as bad as it could have been. He didn’t realize it at first, so once awoken he shifted and curled closer to the source of heat. He felt it shift and he quickly sat up in realization. He had fallen asleep on Connor. His face flushed as he looked up at Connor who was looking at something on his phone, seemingly unaware of Evan waking up. Evan coughed lightly and scrambled to the other side of the couch as to not invade Connor’s personal space any more than he already has.

“Oh my God, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you” Evan winced at his rambling. He crossed his arms and bit his lip. Connor didn’t even look up from his phone, as if Evan didn’t even say anything.

“Yeah, it’s fine, didn’t affect me” Evan sighed in relief, so he didn’t just mess up his friendship, because sleeping on people is weird and and sure fire way to lose a friend immediately. Connor could sense Evan panicking from across the couch, that was never a good sign. He looked up from his phone where he was watching a flood of texts come in from Zoe and his mom and to Evan who was tracing the first letter of Connor’s name on the cast. The name was starting to fade over time. Evan glanced over at Connor and his hand dropped from his cast.

“Oh, okay, sorry” Evan shakes his head at himself for apologizing because he apologized. Even Connor had pointed out the apologies, and he tolerated most of what Evan did. Connor gestured Evan closer to himself and watched him slowly move across the couch. Connor settled back into the couch and said nothing more, which confused Evan, didn’t people generally have someone come closer to them because they wanted to ask or show them something? He decided to ignore it on behalf of not wanting to offend Connor and reached around him cautiously to grab his own phone off of the side table.

He clicked the home button to show the time which read 10:36 AM, and Evan had never been more grateful for the weekend. He looked up from his phone and realized he was still awkwardly leaning over Connor, who didn’t even acknowledge him. Evan threw himself away from Connor again stammering out more apologies. Connor brushed them off and looked at Evan who was clutching his phone tightly. He seemed to be more of a nervous wreck than usual this morning and it was more than slightly concerning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is exactly 1,000 words. So yeah


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More angsty bois. But hey, everything will work out eventually, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1,024 words of pure garbage. I still don't know what I'm doing with my life, so sorry. This is really late so instead of working on a "once every week" schedule, I've decided to post whenever I please.

Of course Evan didn’t mean to do anything wrong. He never did intend to mess anything up, if anything he was there to fix other people’s mistakes when they wouldn’t even think twice about it. 

But of course Evan had to go and draw attention to himself, maybe if he wasn’t such a nervous wreck, Connor wouldn’t have noticed how strange he was acting. Was he acting strange, or was this normal?

How long was he leaning over Connor? A few seconds, minutes maybe? Of course he would lose track of time in such a short period of time. His meds, he needed his meds, that’s what was going wrong, he forgot to take them yesterday. He tapped his phone against the palm of his hand as he rose from the couch, hoping Connor wouldn’t notice his absence in the short period of time that Evan would be missing. But of course he did notice, he noticed everything. 

“You okay, Ev” he spoke slowly and quietly, as if afraid that Evan would break, which he probably would if he didn’t get his meds soon. 

Evan shook his head quickly, he had fallen into silence, he didn’t think he could get out words if he tried. ‘Why are you like this? Stupid, stupid brain’. He pressed his hand to the side of his head and rushed out of the room and started up the stairs. Nothing had happened, why can’t he calm down, why did he have to forget how to breathe? As if on cue, he started gasping for breath as he stumbled up the stairs. 

After what seemed like an eternity, he had the bottle of pills in his hand and an open bottle of water sitting on the bed side table in front of him. His hand shook as he twisted the cap off and dumped half the contents into his hand by accident. ‘Nonononnonononono’. He dumped all but one back into the bottle and slowly reached for the water.

He was crouched on the floor, and of course he didn’t have the common sense to look up as he moved for the water, and of course fate would have it that he would knock it over just when it was needed the most.

Stupid. 

Evan could faintly hear Connor walking up the stairs. No doubt frustrated with Evan. The water bottle was empty, and that was his last one. He quickly put the pill in his mouth and dry swallowed it. He gagged but forced it to go down. He was still on the floor when Connor slid into the room. Evan was holding the empty water bottle in his hands.

“Ev?” Connor asked slowly as he walked towards him. Evan closed his eyes and shook his head, hoping Connor would understand and not come any closer. Luckily, he understood and stopped walking. Evan stood up and faced Connor.

“S-sorry, I just-” he cut himself off and held up the bottle of pills. Connor nodded in understanding and sighed. Evan sat the bottle down and glanced at the drying puddle of water on the carpet. He swallowed and looked back at Connor, frustration written over his face. 

Connor took another step forward.

Evan stepped back.

Connor winced and stayed where he was. Evan coughed and gestured to himself oddly, he looked as if he was trying to say something before sighing and setting the water bottle down. He walked forward to hug Connor quickly before pulling away and looking down at the floor. He gestured again as his face twisted up in a pained expression. This happened sometimes, Evan would go nonverbal and couldn’t talk for a while. Of course this had to happen around Connor. Evan grabbed a notebook specifically for these occasions and wrote out a message for Connor.

“I’m not trying to not have to talk to you, sometimes I go nonverbal and I can’t talk. Just bare with me please? Unless you want to leave of course. That’s alright too”

He handed the notebook to Connor and waited for a response. Connor didn’t say anything for a while, even after he had finished reading. He just looked at Evan for a bit before actually saying anything.

“Do you want me to leave”

Evan shook his head slowly. Of course he didn’t, he enjoyed Connor’s company to the point where it was a little weird. Evan took back the notebook and underlined the part about Connor being able to leave if he wanted to. He handed it back over to Connor and he nodded. Evan opened his mouth as if trying to talk again before closing it. ‘This isn’t normal, is it? Falling into a state of panic so deep you can’t even talk?’. He clenched his eyes shut until he saw colors and opened them again.

“Hey, let’s go watch a movie or something? How ‘bout that, another one of your god awful disney movies?” Evan laughed quietly at that and nodded. The teen picked the bottle off the floor from where he had put it and set it on the table. Connor had already turned and was halfway down the stairs by the time Evan had caught up with him. 

Once again, the two were on the couch in total silence not counting the movie playing in the background, and maybe everything would be okay. Maybe Evan could get better, maybe Connor could loosen up and let people in again. For now though, they were a dysfunctional mess, the least likely of friends. 

Connor could handle this, if having Evan melt down like this occasionally is what it meant to be his friend, than he would gladly take up that responsibility, and if being Evan’s friend meant he could actually  _ have  _ a friend, he couldn’t be more grateful.

Evan still felt guilty. He felt as if he owed Connor more than his lame Disney obsession for having to put up with him. But if Connor could put up with everything Evan had to offer and not complain then maybe Evan could live with that. He could definitely live with having Connor as his one real friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments, I'm a sucker for validation.   
> Alright, I'm done talking, I'll be back eventually


	9. chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hey hey hey, y'all got what I was dying to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhh, okay, so I told myself I wouldn't publish this until he has an account but I couldn't wait. So, my best friend. He wrote more than half of this chapter and I love and appreciate him so freaking much. He is the reason I actually got this chapter done. And he better comment on this shit and give himself credit or I'm going to be mad. You know who you are.
> 
> Okay, that's all I've got to say for now, have fun reading!!

The next day at school was a dreary one. The first thing Evan heard upon waking up was the sound of trickling rain. It wasn't as bad as it could've been but it was enough to put a damper on his mood. As he slowly made his way out the door and to his car he sighed and shook his head to himself.

The drive to school seemed slower than ever before. The gloomy weather seemed to affect even time itself. He quickly slammed on the breaks, almost causing a wreck, when he noticed a few geese crossing the street. He mumbled to himself as he waited for them to pass before moving on with the drive.

After enduring what felt to be an eternity he carefully pulled into the puddle riddled parking lot. He tapped on the steering wheel unsure on weather doing this everyday was worth it. He debated with himself for a moment before pushing the door open and forcing himself to unbuckle his seatbelt so he could get out of the car. After unintentionally slamming the car door shut and scaring himself in the process he proceeded to make his way into the building.  
The sounds of other students talking washed over Evan as he fought his way through the halls to make it to his locker. Of course that didn't go without incident, a few shoves into the walls and tripping over himself. He chewed on his lip nervously as he fumbled to open his locker. '5-23-5' he repeated his combination in his head as he put the three numbers in.

He mumbled in irritation to himself as he found that it didn't unlock. He repeated the combination again, with more success. He put his backpack and coat in before grabbing the books he'd need. When he closed the locker a face on the other side of the door made him jump out of his skin before he realized it's Connor, "T-that's not your locker? Not that I-I'm saying you can't be there, b-but-"

Connor quickly cut him off, "I know, I'm just here to tell you I need to see you after school."

"Oh o-okay? Um why don't we m-meet up at the entrance?" Evan shifted the books in his hands awkwardly.

Connor nodded, "I'll wait there," before walking off, leaving a confused and worried Evan behind.  
Evan took a breath and held his books closer as he began walking for his first class. In class he found he can't focus, his mind too busy trying to figure out what's going to happen after school, 'What if he is going to tell me he doesn't want to hang out anymore, that he's embarrassed to be seen with me? No that's ridiculous, he wouldn't be like that. Or would he? Maybe-' His thoughts are interrupted by the teacher calling his name.

"Hansen? Are you okay? The bell rang, you'll be late for your next class." Evan glanced at the clock, in fact he would if he didn't hurry to class.

"S-sorry, thank you" he nods to the teacher as he grabs his books and hurries out of the room. His next class was no better. Nor was the one after that. The whole day, in fact, seemed to drag on and on because of the gloomy weather, despite him being wrapped up in his thoughts.

By the time the final bell rand he had ran through so many possibilities in his head, none of them positive, that he was unusually not excited to see Connor. So much so that he dragged his feet to his locker and almost moved in slow motion to retrieve his coat and put his books away. By the time he made it down the hall and to the doors most of the students had cleared out, except those who are doing play rehearsal, he noted. He reached for the door but it opened suddenly revealing Connor. He had a frown on his face and his eyebrows were knitted, his face relaxed, if only a miniscule amount, when he saw Evan, "I thought you'd snuck out the back way"

"N-No, it just took me a m-minute to get my coat," Evan tries to reply smoothly, failing miserably. He sighed in disappointment with himself before attempting to stand up straight and appear sure of himself.  
"Whatever. Can I ride with you somewhere to talk? Zoe already left," he grumbled as they walk out the door.

"Y-yeah, where are we going?" Connor shrugs, "I know it's raining but why don't we go to the park?"

"T-the one where I broke m-my arm?" Connor just nods in reply. So that's precisely where they end up. Walking under a spare umbrella Evan kept in his trunk, heading for the fateful tree. When they get there Connor leans against the tree, "W-why did we come here?" Evan asks nervously.

"I have a real serious question for you, and I know this seems totally out of character for me, but hear me out. I'll completely understand if you say no," Connor looks at Evan, who attempts to keep eye contact, "Would you be interested in being my boyfriend? I understand if you don't want to.. shit I shouldn't have even-"

Evan cut him off quickly and takes a deep breath “I was not expecting that, a-and to think, I w-was worried that you were g-going to say you didn't want t-to be seen with me anymore." He paused before realizing he hadn’t answered the question, accidentally leaving a confused looking Connor standing in front of him. “Oh! Yeah, sure, I, uh, I’d like that”

Connor just smiled and wrapped an arm around Evan, "You should know better than that, one more thing." He leaned back to look at Evan, "May I have the honour of staying at my boyfriend's for a few days? I kind of got kicked out?"

Evan laughed slightly and rolled his eyes, "O-of course, what'd y-you do?"

"Can I explain on the ride to yours? It's fucking freezing in the rain" Evan nodded and the two began their walk back to the car.  
*  
Once inside the car with the heater on they begin the drive. Connor sighed, "So Larry got ten kinds of pissed over literally nothing and nobody bothered to even try hear my side. Some yelling was exchanged and the conversation ended with him telling me to "Get out, he doesn't care where i go, just get out," and me slamming the door. That was last night, but I decided I'm not going back until they decide they actually want to care."

Evan grumbled something before glancing at Connor, "Y-you know what? I-I'm going to be your dad n-now. And your mom, y-your Dom. Wait, s-shit no," before he can continue he was interrupted by Connors laughter. Despite his embarrassment Evan decided in that moment that it is a sound that is not heard enough. He noted it took Connor two minutes to quit laughing enough to say something.

Connor looked up, teary eyed from laughter, and with the most serious voice, "Daddy?"

Evan turned red and almost lost the wheel before pulling over, in laughter himself he turned to Connor, "D-don't, just no." The car was filled with laughter, something neither party does enough, and after they calm down they continue the ride, neither one able to say anything without laughing.  
*  
When they get to Evans house and get parked they both get out and walk in, already soaked so they don't bother with the umbrella again. Once in Evans room Connor sat his bag by the door and watched as Evan quickly began trying to make it look cleaner.

"It's fine, mines a lot worse," Connor sat on the desk chair.

"I-if you're sure, I j-just wasn't p-prepared for company," Evan sat on the semi made bed.

"I'm sure. It's fine." Connor reassured him

"O-oh, do you have c-clothes? We're both soaked a-and if you are s-staying you'll need something d-dry, you can get something o-out of my closet if y-you need,"

Connor just shook his head, walking over to his bag he pulled out another t shirt and pants. "I can just dry my jacket and wear it again over this" he shruged.

"O-okay," Evan nodded getting a set of dry sweatpants and a shirt, "I-I'm going to the b-bathroom, unless you want it f-first?"

Connor just shook his head, "You take it"

Within the next hour both boys found themselves in dry clothes, except for Connor who's still wearing his, now semi-wet, hoodie, despite Evans efforts to get him to take it off, and laying on the bed watching a movie on Evan’s laptop. Neither saying a word, and two movies later both are asleep, Connor slumped down on the bed and Evans head laying on the edge of Connors chest. The wetness of the jacket long forgotten and ignored in their sleep. And both found they slept good for a change.

Evan woke up first, despite it being Saturday, and in his half asleep state he curled up to the warmth next to him, listening to the calming heartbeat. When the warmth moved he fully woke up and panicked, worried that Connor wouldn't want him that close, but instead he found that he wrapped his arms around Evan’s waist in his sleep. Having noticed that Evan relaxed and let himself doze off again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that was enjoyable. I hop y'all liked it. I definitely had fun writing it.
> 
> The writing between the two asterisk is where I need to give credit to punk-frank on tumblr for the idea.  
> I worded that weirdly. Anyway, I'm open to criticism and validation. I'm leaving now.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My boys being sweet children

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took forever, life has been interesting, and I have been lazy. So sorry

Evan had decided that he was completely okay with doing not completely platonic things with Connor. Like Connor pressing a brief kiss to the top of his head before pulling his arms from around him. 

The fact that Connor had already gotten comfortable with this new experience threw Evan off. He had no idea what it was like, he didn’t even know he liked boys until a few months ago, let alone be in a relationship with one.   
Evan shook his head to himself as he thought, he didn’t know how he felt about the label of being someone’s boyfriend. It sounded weird even to himself but he just knew he didn’t like it. He had never really liked the idea of labels anyway, and had always avoided them.

Connor hadn’t moved from his spot and immediately felt the small movement. “You good?” he mumbled, not too worried since he knew Evan was fine earlier.

“Do we have to have a label” he whispered after a small hesitation. He didn’t want this to send everything crashing down. He didn’t want to ruin this peaceful moment.

“Are you having second thoughts?” Connor’s reply came out rushed and afraid. As if he genuinely thought Evan regretted his decision. 

“Nononononononono” He blurted out quickly. “That’s not what I meant at all!” He quickly turned slightly to face Connor and explained himself. “It would just- I don’t know- maybe we could just do like not platonic things but we don’t necessarily have to label ourselves. Just forget it, I’m sorry I said anything” he trailed off and scooted away some. He ruined it, he ruined everything, or-.

“That’s fine, we don’t need to label anything” he let out a huff of laughter after some thought “I can live with doing some not completely platonic things too” 

Evan looked back up at him in shock. “I can too, but you knew that already, sorry” he shook his head “This is dumb, I’m being dumb” 

“No, it’s understandable, you’re not being dumb, but you are by not coming back” He laughed quietly and reached out to silently gesture Evan to move back to him. He responded by leaning up against him once again. “You’re really fucking warm, you know that?”

Evan laughed to himself “You’re… you don’t feel that cold” he gently grabbed one of Connor’s hands and held it between his own. “See?”

Connor shook his head “It’s not that I’m cold, it’s just that you’re warm”  he shrugs as if everything made sense.

“Well, I, uh, okay” he let go of Connor’s hand and clenched his hands a few times, unsure of what to do with them before crossing his legs and resting them in his lap. 

Connor’s brow wrinkled in concern for Evan. “You good?” he asked for the second time that morning. 

“Yeah, sorry, this is just really new for me” he nodded to himself and looked back to the other. 

“Me too, clearly. Nobody has really ever even wanted to be with me for over half an hour so yeah” he smiled slightly. Evan didn’t get to see that as often as he would have liked, so it was nice to see when he could. 

“You should smile more” he blurted out, not having completely thought through he results of such. “I mean, it’s really nice, is that weird, sorry” he shrugged and brought his knees to his chest and pressed his hands in between his calves and his thighs. 

“You’re the reason I am smiling” he sighed lightly, “fuck, that sounded cheesy” 

Evan laughed and leaned into Connor hesitantly. Connor immediately wrapped an arm around him as if it was a normal occurrence. Evan chewed on his lip for a moment, thinking about all that had happened in the last 24 hours.

Evan breathed, his legs dropped and his hands moved back to their spot resting in his lap. He maneuvered himself quietly so he could sit comfortably.

Connor hesitated before pulling Evan closer to himself. Evan’s breathing stuttered before reverting back to normal. “Do you need to go home?” he asked quietly. He felt Connor’s head shake from its position on top of Evan’s. “Aren’t your parents-” he cut himself off, he already knew the answer to that question so there was no use in asking it.

“Can I take a shower?” Connor asked quietly to match Evan’s tone. “I haven’t taken one in a few days” Evan felt the movement of Connor’s shrug and he closed his eyes.’

“Of- of course” Evan shifted and pulled away from Connor, regretting that decision immediately.

Connor pushed himself off Evan’s small bed and pushed his hair back. Evan shifted to the edge of the bed after shutting his laptop that was still on the movie screen. “I’ll be back in a bit”. Evan nodded and crossed his legs on the bed again.

Evan curled up in the corner of his room, sitting on a beanbag on the floor, a minute or so after Connor left and he could hear water running. He had grabbed a book off of the short bookcase that sat nearby, and had been reading contently while waiting for Connor to come back. 

The words blurred after a while of staring at the pages. 

Evan sighed.

Connor walked back in after what felt like an eternity of waiting. His hair was still damp from the water, but he looked more awake than he usually did.

Evan glanced at the page number before setting the book down to rise from his seat and greet the other. “Hey” he smiled and walk up to him.  _ ‘But not too close, that’s weird’ _

“Hello, Hansen” he nodded and a smile flickered across his face. His eyes narrowed some as he watched Evan fidget in place. He was standing a distance away, like he was afraid of coming any closer. “Um, Evan?”

He looked up quickly “Yeah, what’s up?” He rushed out 

“Can I kiss you?”

Evan hesitated, his breath caught “Um, I uh, wow, um-”

Connor waved his hand dismissively “Forget it, nevermind”

Evan quickly walked over, stumbling a little and pressed a brief kiss to Connor’s lips. “Sorry”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed that


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My boys go on a date of sorts, yeah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was fun to write, nothing makes me happier than finishing a chapter, but then I realize there's more. I could stop it right here if I wanted to.

“Jesus Fuck” Connor mumbled as he leaned on the counter in Evan’s kitchen. Evan was sitting on the counter with his legs crossed eating a bowl of dry cereal. He had offered some to Connor but he had refused.

“What?” Evan questioned as he stabbed into the bowl lightly with his spoon.

Connor moved and stood in front of Evan. He looked up slightly at Evan and smiled. “I’m just now processing all that happened” 

Evan laughed “Who knew- I didn’t know you were such a sap”

Connor rolled his eyes and shook his head. He leaned up and pressed a quick kiss to Evan’s lips and pulled away.

“Go away, I probably should tell my mom you’re here” he pushed Connor back gently and hopped off the counter. “I- I left my phone back in, in my room” he pointed towards the stairs and started up them.

Connor leaned against the counter again and sighed. 

Evan grabbed his phone off of the bedside table and dialed Heidi’s number as he walked down the stairs. 

“Evan! Hi” Heidi pressed her phone between her shoulder and her ear. 

“H-Hi mom, uh, Connor is over, he got kicked out, it’s cool i-if he stays with-with us, right?” Evan glanced up at Connor as he walked into the kitchen. 

“Oh, yeah, sure, do you want to grab some extra blankets out of the closet for him?” 

“I got it mom, he came over yesterday , I just, I just forgot to tell you, sorry”

“It’s fine honey, I gotta go, work calls, see you tonight, love you” she hung up. 

“Yeah, love you too” he said into the empty receiver. Evan sat his phone on the counter and hopped back onto the counter. 

Connor gave him a little half smile “It’s cool if I stay?” Evan nodded and crossed his legs. Connor walked closer and stood next to him. “When are you getting this off?” He tapped the cast gently. 

Evan looked down at it, at Connor’s bold name. He shrugged “I’m not sure” Evan frowned. “I should know that, why don’t I know that?” He huffed

“Hey, Ev, it’s fine” Connor moved in front of him. 

“I like that” 

“Hmm?”

“I like being called ‘Ev’, makes me feel part of something. That’s dumb, sorry”. 

Connor shook his head “shut up, Hansen” he paused and grabbed Evan’s hand. “Come on, we’re going to do something” he said before pulling Evan towards him. 

Evan slid off the counter, letting Connor pull him along. 

“Keys” 

Evan grabbed his keys off the the table where they were laying and tossed them to Connor. He caught them and continued walking out. 

Connor pointed at the passenger seat, silently telling Evan to get in while sliding into the driver's seat. 

“Where are we going?” Evan finally asked after they had already pulled out of the driveway and were steadily driving down the road. 

“You’ll see” he grinned and pulled down an unfamiliar street. 

Evan glanced at Connor nervously “are you sure you know what you’re doing? Not that I don’t trust you or anything” he rushed out. 

“I know exactly what I’m doing” he nodded “Don’t worry” he turned again down another street Evan didn’t recognize and smiled.

Evan hummed in response and tapped his foot lightly. 

Connor pulled into a parking lot and parked the car. He spread his arms dramatically “here we are, À la mode. This is super cheesy but super worth it” he grinned and let his arms drop. 

Evan smiled “of course you b-brought us here” he leaned forward in his seat. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Connor asked playfully as he pushed his door open. 

“It means, it means you’re actually a huge dork on the inside and not the heartless fr- uh, person that everyone thinks you are”

“Yeah, I guess” his grip tightened on the door handle. 

Evan nodded and slid out of the car “sorry” he whispered. He walked around the front of the car and looked up at Connor, regret showing on his face. 

“No… it’s nothing, let’s go” Connor let go of the handle. 

Evan breathed. 

Connor led Evan into the small shop and brought him to the counter. “I come here sometimes when I’m pissed off and ready to cool down”

Evan snorted “did you just make a, a pun?” 

“Oh shit, I did” Connor sighed and shook his head. “Didn’t realize it”

“That’s gay” Evan jumped and quickly looked at the counter to see Jared leaning on it, a smirk lingering on his face. 

“Oh…” Evan froze up and started mumbling stuff about how they just wanted ice cream and it was really nothing. He could feel Connor tense up next to him and he immediately stopped talking. 

“Why the fuck are you here?” Connor all but growled at Jared who still had a stupid smirk plastered on his face. 

He pointed at his name tag which just had a poorly drawn smile on it. 

“I work here, obviously” he paused and looked between the two, a flicker of, was that disappointment? Flashed across his face before straightening up and adjusted his glasses. “So before I get fired, what do you losers want?” 

Evan shrunk into himself slightly, even if it was just Jared, he found it hard to make any words come out. 

“I didn’t know he actually did anything that wasn’t make fun of people and be an actual living meme” Connor mumbled to Evan after they had gotten their ice cream and sat down at a table near a window by Evan’s request.

“Don’t be like that, he’s an actual human being with actual emotions” Evan deadpanned as he looked Connor straight in the eyes. “But really, cut him some slack, he’s- he’s not all bad”

“Whatever you say Hansen” he shook his head as he bit into the ice cream.

“Did you just bite into ice cream?”  Evan made a face as he set his cup down and looked at Connor, horrified. Connor simply nodded and continued eating.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Evan curled into the seat as Connor drove the two back, he crossed his legs in the seat and tried to make himself small. He knew there was absolutely no reason for him to be panicking but he could feel the familiar tightening of his chest and the inability to take regular breaths.

Connor kept a death grip on the stearing wheel with one hand as he reached over a gently grabbed Evan’s hand with the other. 

“Hey, you’re fine” he mumbled as he could feel Evan lace his fingers with his own. Evan had a slightly tight grip, but it didn’t matter, Connor had been through worse.

“Yeah, I uh, I know, I don’t know what’s happening.” Evan took a deep breath and let go of Connor’s hand. Connor kept Evan’s hand in his own as he drove. 

They finally pulled into Evan’s driveway after a mostly silent drive. Connor finally let go of the others hand. Evan panicked slightly, realizing that his hand was sweaty before realizing that they had been holding hands for roughly ten minutes and Connor’s hand was probably just as sweaty.

Evan grabbed the house key out of his pocket slowly and shakily unlocked the front door, Connor wrapped his arm around Evan’s shoulders and looked at him “You good?”

Evan nodded quickly and pushed the door open. Connor let his arm drop off of Evan and followed him inside, kicking the door closed behind them.

“Thank you”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it, I'm trying to make Jared less of a meme that everyone does. I'm not really going to stop it at this chapter. 
> 
> Anyway, validation fuels me, it keeps me writing, so yeah
> 
> Edit: if you want, you can tell me anything y'all want to see in upcoming chapters


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> my boys deal with some stuff  
> I don't know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowow, two chapters in month? That's shocking. Yeah, I actually tried this time to get another one out, hope y'all like it.
> 
> Edit: I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO DO THIS. Roughly half this chapter was written by the loveliest child. Aiden is a life saver and will help me through all of my terrible writers block. So if you express love for this chapter, you should also tell Aiden how well he does on this story, he deserves all of the affection!

Something was bothering Evan, Connor knew that much, but without Evan talking about it he had no idea what it was. Evan was clearly jumpier, seemed more on edge than usual, and somehow quieter. Connor couldn’t help but notice when they went to bed Evan didn’t seem to sleep that night.

The alarm beeping woke Connor, he clenched his eyes shut for a few seconds before rolling over to check if Evan was up. Evan wasn’t in bed. 

It took a few seconds to turn the alarm off and pull on his jacket, but soon he was looking for Evan. Naturally, he ended up finding Evan sitting on the counter messing with a bowl of soggy cereal, clearly not interested in it.

“Morning” Connor lingered in the doorway, he shoved his hands in the jacket pockets and leaned against the doorframe.

“M-morning” he gave a tired smile and set the bowl down.

“You’re not dressed for school?” Connor asked as he walked up and stood in front of Evan, the scene feeling familiar to the day before. He looked over Evan, his old T-shirt and pajama pants.

Evan just shrugged and looked down at his lap, and his hands. They curled a few times before Connor grabbed one of them and loosely held it, giving Evan room to pull away if he wanted. He didn’t.

“‘M not going today” 

Connor hummed in thought “I’ll stay with you if you’re not feeling good?”

“I’m just tired, don’t worry about me, I, I take mental health days sometimes” he shrugs and Connor vaguely remembers some unexcused absences last year. 

“There is no point in going if you’re not there to suffer with me” Connor’s attempt at a joke was pitiful, but it still made Evan smile, sorta, the corners of his mouth twitched up for a brief moment. 

“Someone has to take notes, and, and I don’t trust Jared” 

Connor nods in agreement  “Point taken, I’m surprised we actually used his that one time”

Evan smiled again “You should go to school” he mumbled to Connor as he checked the time.

Connor sighed and pressed a brief kiss to Evan’s cheek “Don’t miss me too much” he stated before grabbing his bag and headed out the door as Evan headed for his room.

♥

Connor found Evan sitting on the floor of his room, rocking slightly with his eyes squeezed shut, after he had gotten back from school. Connor slowly treaded over to the shaking boy. Kneeling down, he put a hand on his shoulder.

Suddenly Evan’s eyes opened, he swung his arm out, on connecting with Connor, and let out a slight scream. 

Connor fell back slightly, the concern in his eyes growing. “What the hell? Are you okay?” He knew it was a dumb question but he was attempting to get Evan to talk to him.

Evan gasped for air before curling up and burying his head in his arms. Connor tried again to touch Evan, but the other boy let out an involuntary squeak of fear. He managed to scoot away from Connor and hold out his arms to keep Connor away from him.

After trying to get Evan to calm down from a distance, Connor wrapped his arms around the boy, trying to get him to realize that he only wanted to help.

He rocked in sync with Evan, holding him tightly while he did so. After about an hour of rocking, some crying and Evan losing his breath a few times, he was visibly calm again.

Connor took advantage of the situation and scooped Evan up to carry his to the bed. Evan didn’t let go as Connor tried to walk away. 

There was fear in Evan’s eyes and Connor understood he couldn’t be alone right now, he sat down and pulled Evan close to him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“And, and my thoughts got t-too loud and the s-sun got too bright, and then I found myself here with you. Evan leaned into Connor while casting his gaze down to his worn bedspread. “Did I hurt you?” Evan vaguely remembered hitting Connor in the midst of his panic.

Connor pulled his jacket off and showed Evan the bruise on his arm “You hit harder than I ever would have guessed” he joked and wadded up his jacket in his lap. 

Evan gingerly touched the bruise “I-I’m really sorry, you- you want to break up with me, and- I hurt you” Evan looked Connor in the eye before looking down again at his hands laying limp in his lap. 

“No Ev, that’s not what’s happening, you didn’t hurt me, it just looks sorta bad” Connor shrugged slightly and gave Evan a small smile. 

Evan sighed and relief and felt Connor grab his hand for the second time that day. “Sorry” he leaned his head against Connor’s shoulder and closed his eyes.

Connor ran his thumb over the back of Evan’s hand and looked down at them. Evan sat up and looked at the other with a slightly sad look on his face.

Connor frowned slightly and kissed Evan. “You’re fine, right?” He mumbled as he pulled away, Evan nodded and leaned forward for another kiss as Connor leaned away.

“Sorry”

“Are you going to school tomorrow?” Evan responded with a quick nod and Connor gave him the kiss he wanted. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Of course Evan would regret saying that, after a night of three hours asleep and waking up feeling sick, no one would want to. He had told Connor he would go, and he wasn’t about to disappoint him.

After a brief shower, Evan walked out of the bathroom with slightly damp hair and a twitching eye. He walked into the kitchen where Connor already was, making small talk with Heidi, and by the look of it, he was doing a good job of impressing her.

Heidi quickly noticed Evan’s entrance and smiled at him.

Evan’s eye twitched.

“Good morning hon” she kept her smile, Evan noticed the bags under her eyes

“Morning” 

Heidi checked the time and gasped slightly. She quickly grabbed her purse. “I gotta go, have a good day” she kissed his cheek and walked to the door and grabbed the doorknob, “You too Connor” she added as she walked out. 

Evan looked over at Connor with a small smile “She seems to like you” 

Connor nodded and grabbed his bag from where it was sitting next to the table. “Well, I tried, you ready to go?”

Evan grabbed his own bag and nodded. He grabbed the car keys off the counter and started out the door, his hand gripping his backpack strap tightly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, comments/kudos help me keep going and I'm a sucker for validation, sooooo


	13. chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> w o o p s

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, it's Ash. I'm back with another chapter, I hope you enjoy it and whatnot

The drive to school was silent, Evan anxiously pulled at his shirt whenever he wasn’t using both hands to drive. At traffic lights he would crack his knuckles. His list of nervous ticks was long and ugly. 

Connor sat in the passenger seat, typing furiously on his phone, Evan assumed he was talking to a family member due to a few frustrated huffs coming from him.

He eventually pulled into the parking lot and parked in his usual space. Evan tapped on the steering wheel before turning to Connor while unbuckling his seat belt.

“Connor?”

“Hmm?” The reply was distant, as if he wasn’t really paying attention

“When are you going to talk to your family? I mean, face to face, when will you make amends?” Evan turned in his seat to face Connor, worry was evident on his face.

“I don’t know, Ev” Connor glanced over to Evan

Evan clenched his hands a few times and sighed. Of course he wanted Connor to talk to his family, but he also didn’t want to mess things up and force it. “Right, of course, sorry” 

Connor grabbed one of Evan’s hands and gently unclenched it, Evan’s hand went limp in Connor’s. He laced his fingers with Evan’s and looked at him, “I’ll talk to them”

Evan gave Connor a small smile and pulled his hand away “we should go”

***

Evan sat in his car, waiting for Connor while aimlessly scrolling through instagram's explore page, mostly nature and the occasional dog, and then those slime videos that pop up after you click on one of them. He jumped at the sound of a tap on the window and unlocked the car.

Connor slid in, a scowl prominent on his face. Zoe was frustrating, per usual, but clearly because he left that gave her full rights to become a mega bitch about it. “Drop me off at my house” Connor muttered as he closed the door “please”

Evan nodded, “Is-is everything okay?” 

Connor replied with a noncommital hum. Evan got his seatbelt on and began the drive quietly. It isn’t until they get to Connor’s neighborhood that he says anything.

“Would you come in with me?” 

Evan glanced at him than quickly shifted his gaze back to the road “What?” 

“Nevermind, it was stupid to ask, I don’t want to rope you into whatever shit storm that might happen when I go in”

Evan shook his head “I don’t mind”

Connor smiled “you really don’t have to” he looked over at Evan who was focusing on th road.

Evan nodded “no, I want to” he turned down Connor’s street.

“Thank you” Connor sighed and slouched into his seet.

Evan pulled into the driveway “We’re, we’re here” He unbuckled and turned to Connor. “Ready?” 

Connor pressed a kiss to Evan’s cheek “yeah, I’m sorry if anything too bad happends” he frowned at the thought and shook his head.

Evan nodded in understanding before opening the door. Connor repeated the gesture and they slowly walked up to the door. Evan was conflicted as to whether to knock or not so he followed when Connor walked in, pausing momentarily to close the door. 

“Connor? Connor is that you?” A head popped around a corner soon followed by a body.

“Yeah, mom, it’s me, Evan is here too” he stepped to the side and glanced at Evan who was staring intently at the floor. He looked up nervously and waved slightly before letting his hand drop.

“Oh, hello Evan” Cynthia forced a small smile, “Connor, where were you?”

Connor winced “ I stayed at Evan’s, he was completely cool about it, unlike  _ dad _ ” he said the word as if it offended him to even think of Larry as such.

“We were very worried about you. You didn’t tell us where-” Cynthia begins but Connor cut her off

“What happened to ‘I don’t care where you go?”

“Connor, you’re father was just angry.” She tried to explain but Connor shook his head and scoffed in reponse. Evan took a half step back, feeling the tension rise. He felt unsure of what to say despite wanting to help Connor.

Evan took a deep breath, not wanting to panic in the middle of an argument that wasn’t even his own. Connor continued to aruge back and forth with Cynthia, visibly getting more and more frustrated with the converstation. 

“Fuck this! Larry can fuck himself!” Connor sormed out. Evan gave Cynthia an apologetic look and hurried after him. 

“C-connor. C-connor, please” Evann followed as Connor stormed down the street “Connor!”

Connor stopped where he was standing. Evan never yelled. Evan walked up to him and clenched his fist a few times. “You really shouldn’t just walk off like that?” 

Connor scowled “So what? Are you seriously going to take their fucking side? I asked you to come in so you’d help me, or maybe help defuse the situation, or, or I don’t know, at least side with me? I thought you actually cared” Connor looked hurt for a second before taking off quickly away from Evan.

“W-wait, you took t-that wrong!” He started after Connor but soon lost sight of him. He hurries back to his car where he left his phone, only to find Connor’s phone there as well. 

Evan walked back up to the door and completely pushed open the halfway closed door. Cynthia rounded the corner, clearly hopeful, only to be met with a pissed off Evan.

“Evan?”

He shook his head at her “Why the fuck would you do that?! Look, I know he gets angry but can you really blame him?” He starts shaking “You don’t understand him, and you’re not even trying! Now he’s off somewhere, doing god knows what becuase now he’s pissed at all of us!” His eye twitches.

“Evan, honey, you need to calm down-” she began

“Calm down? Calm down? How can I calm down? Connor just ran off to who knows where and I can’t call him and, and you don’t even seem concerned? Maybe next time, if you’re lucky enough for him to come back, you’ll actually try to understand what he’s feeling and help instead of making things worse” He hurried out the door, leaving it open as he got to his car and started it. Within minutes he was driving on the road looking for Connor. He drove for an hour before pulling into a parking lot and shutting the car off and leaning his head against the steering wheel, tears beginning to form in his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do already have the majority of the next chapter written, but how would you guys feel about a be more chill fanfic? If any of you like it.
> 
> Leave kudos, comments, whatever you want


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's my birthday and this is how I spend it. woops.

It had been a few days since Connor went missing and Evan has been a complete wreck because of it. He knew that he was part of the reason Connor got so mad and it was making his sick. He spent a lot of the day at school the day after he went missing in the bathroom, dry heaving because he hadn’t eaten but the guilt was making him sick.

1:08 in the morning was not a good time to be awake, yet Evan found himself laying in his bed staring up at the glow-in-the-dark stars that no longer glowed on his ceiling.

Evan sat up and rubbed his eyes, he got out of bed and walked downstairs, he didn’t worry about being quiet with his mom being gone until tomorrow afternoon because of her irregular shifts at the hospital. He slid out onto the front porch and sat down on the step. He brought his knees to his chest and rested his head  on them, he let his eyes fall shut. 

He stayed there in that position for a while until he heard a quiet cough which almost made Evan fall backwards. He looked up and squinted to see. The mix of the dim porch light and slightly blurry vision from lack of sleep catching up with Evan made it hard to see. He stood up and stared at the person. He finally recognized the outline and debated with himself over to hug him or walk inside. It was Connor.

“So I know you’re mad” He started and looked down at his hands helplessly.

“Damn right I’m mad!” Evan blurted out, “but I’m also really glad you’re okay” he sighs and walked towards Connor. He cupped his face in his hands “You’re okay right?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine, just tired and gross” he laughed slightly, fighting the urge to kiss Evan. He didn’t know if that would be accepted after his disappearing act. 

“When did you sleep last?” Evan knew he really has no room to talk but he was more worried about Connor than he was about himself. 

“Uh, probably the night before I ran off. I know I’ve gotten one or two hours, but you look tired too, from what I can see” he rushed out, trying to change the subject.

“RIght, you should come in, you really need to sleep, oh my god” he shook his head and started walking back in, making sure Connor was behind him. “I’m still really mad, but we’ll, we’ll talk about it later” he shook his head again and held the door open for Connor.

He winced “Yeah, and I don’t blame you, that was pretty messed up” 

“We’ll talk about it later” Evan said again. Connor just nodded and continued following Evan up the stairs into his room. “You really need to sleep”

***

Connor woke up first, feeling disoriented and confused, he sat up and looked down at Evan who was still asleep next to him. He smoothed Evan’s hair back from his forehead and smiled slightly. He knew Evan would be mad once he woke up but Connor could enjoy these moments of silence. 

He leaned against the headboard and let his eyes fall shut again. He stayed like that until Evan finally stirred and slowly woke up.

“Connor?” He mumbled and sat up slowly. He slouched and looked over at Connor. Evan blinked a few times before scowling slightly “That, that was really fucking messed up” he stated calmly and crossed his legs under the comforter. 

“Yeah, I know” Connor looked down at his hands and chewed on his lip. “I completely understand if you want to break up, I wouldn’t blame you at all, I’m too unpredictable, I know” he looked back up.

Evan shifted his gaze away from Connor and thought for a minute. “N-no, I want- I want to help you” He nodded in agreement with himself “I still, I still think you r-really shouldn’t have run off like that” He paused again, “and I don’t know if I’m being too forgiving but it’s okay, nothing bad happened to you, but maybe you should wait a little longer before going back home?”

“You’re right, you usually are” Connor smiled slightly, “I need to work on calming down, I know, it’s just-”

“I know” Evan cut him off “I know you’re trying, you don’t need to explain” 

“You don’t deserve this” Connor ducked his head and looked down at the bed again. “Maybe this wasn’t right, you don’t deserve the shit I pull you into” he glanced over at Evan. 

Evan curled into himself, feeling hurt. Connor didn’t mean that, did he? “I, uh, but, are you, are you saying we s-should break u-up?” He took a shaky breath and looked at the wall across the room, away from Connor.

“I just want to do what I can for you, I don’t want to hurt you” Connor gently placed a hand on Evan’s back. “I’ve never wanted to hurt you”

“This, this hurts though” Evan clenched his shirt in his hands anxiously. God, he was pathetic, can’t even take Connor mentioning breaking up without breaking down. “Am I- am I not good enough? H-have I not helped e-enough?” He took a few more nervous breaths. 

“No, no, Evan, no, you’re- you’re the best thing to ever happen to me, I’m just trying to not let you get hurt with my stupid life decisions” Connor pulled his hand away from Evan sadly.

Evan could feel tears well up in his eyes but willed them not to fall and turned to Connor. “I’m okay with g-going through t-this with you. It’s a p-privliage to get to be with you and,  and help you” he clenched his fist and rubbed his eye, not completely sure where he was going with that. He had always had a problem with being too trusting, and too willing to do whatever he could to hold on to the few people he had.

“I don’t deserve you, Ev” Connor sighed and cupped Evan’s face in his hands. Not unlike Evan had done to him the night before. “I just want you to be okay”

Evan grabbed one of his hands and kissed his palm “I only want that for you too”

“So please let me do this” Sadness flashed across Connor’s face for a moment.

“Do what?” Evan dropped his hand, looking confused

“Let me leave” Connor closed his eyes for a second and let his hands drop from Evan’s face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, I would say I'm sorry, but I'm really not.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan gets consoled by Jared, y'know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hng, I've had this chapter done for a while, I apologize.

He hadn’t thought that it would hurt this much, he knew it would hurt but not like this. He hadn’t moved from his bed since Connor left. Heidi had come in and checked on him before she went to work, he told her he was sick and couldn’t go to school. He didn’t lie, he was sick, sick of feeling worthless.

It wasn’t until after two in the afternoon that Evan dragged himself out of bed. He wanted to stay for the rest of his earthly existence, but Heidi much have turned his ringer on and his phone had been going off for what felt like hours. Evan wrapped himself in a blanket and sat up tiredly. He looked to the side and saw half of his reflection staring back at him pathetically, he winced and finally stood up to grab his phone that was charging on the the other side of the room.

He slowly padded to the phone, unplugged it, and wandered back to his bed. Cocooning himself under the blanket before glancing at the screen. His eyes took a minute to fully read and make sense of the name on the screen Unsure of whether he wanted to talk, he slowly hit answer and held the phone to his ear. 

“Where the shit are you?” the voice asked quietly. It was Jared, of course he would open with that instead of a hello. “Marphy isn’t here either, so should I just make assumptions and leave?” he joked.

Evan sniffed and put his phone on speaker before setting it down and leaning against the headboard. “Ah, no, you shouldn’t” he mumbled just loud enough for the phone to pick it up.

“You okay there? You don’t sound nearly as flustered as you usually do” Jared asked.

Evan was silent for a moment before quietly answering. “No, not really” his voice sounded so small when he said that, he thought to himself.

“Shit, I’ll be right over”

“But-” Evan started

“Shut up, I’ll be there in ten” Jared got out of the school as quickly as possible and drove as fast as he could without breaking the law to Evan’s. He sent a text to Evan saying he was there and walking to the door and knocked anyway.

Evan texts him back that the key is under the plant, not feeling ready to be out of his room yet. Jared frowned when he read the messages but quickly retrieves the kiey and stepped inside. When he didn’t see Evan in the living room or kitchen he hurried for his room and knocking on the closed door.

Evan swore quietly to himself before quietly allowing Jared to come in. Jared pushed the door open and stared at the pile of blankets and sadness that was Evan. He took a step into the room and struggled to find something to say. He had no idea what could have happened to Evan so he said the first thing to come to mind.

“Was it Murphy?”

Evan shrunk further into the blankets and nodded slowly at Jared. “H-he left” 

Jared frowned and walked over to the bed. “Yeah, well, he’s and ass.” 

Evan didn’t reply, rather he looked down at the bed sheet, willing himself not to say anything about Connor.

“You knew that right? He’s just as ass and- and he doesn’t deserve you” Jared mumbled and sat on the bed.

Evan sniffed again “No, and I w-was dumb, apparently I-I trust too much” He shrugged and pulled the  blanket tight around himself.

“Everyone falls sometimes” Jared said softly, knowing how Evan felt.

Evan frowned and looked down again“Why’d you come here anyway?” he mumbled and buried his face in the blanket.

“Because you worried me, you never skip, you can’t forget that you also told me you weren’t okay” Jared pointed at Evan then let his hand drop. “I love you” he mumbled quietly as an afterthought.

Evan lifted his head up and looked at Jared “W-what?”

“Nothing, I said you worried me, now” he stood up “let’s get you out of here”

Evan shook his head “no thanks, I-I like it here.” He looked up at Jared briefly before shoving his face into the blanket again.

Jared sighed “Get the hell out of bed Evan or so help me I will physically fight you.

Evan let out a small, empty lough and pulled his head under the blanket, “no”

“No?”

“No” 

Jared shook his head and walked to the foot of the bed, he grabbed the covers and pulled them off the bed, “good morning Vietnam”

“No,” Evan curled into himself pathetically, “why?”

“Because loser, you need to get out of bed, without me, you’d be here forever” Jared crossed his arms, the blanket still in his hands.

“I’d rather stay here forever” he groaned and shook his head.

“That’s not an option, come on”

Evan gave Jared a look as he shifted into a slightly sitting position, “enough?”

“No, come on, stand up, leave your room, do something. You can’t sulk for the rest of your life, I know” Jared’s voice cracks, “I know Connor means a lot to you but, I’m sorry”

“I don’t want to get up, it-it just hurts” Evan rubbed his face and tried to fight back tears. He avoided looking at Jared and instead stared at his sheets intensely.

“I know it does, I’m so sorry” Jared waded up a corner of the blanket in his hands awkwardly, he didn’t know what to say.

“I just thought- I thought we had something…” Evan teared up slightly “a-and then he just leaves…”

Jared let go of the blanket and sat down next to Evan again, he silently grabbed Evan’s hand and just sat there silently for a minute. “That’s pretty shitty of him” 

“I-I thought he actually cared. I felt l-loved. Am, am I that unlovable? Everyone leaves…” Evan started to take deeper breaths.

“I’m here… I won’t ever leave” Jared knew this was wrong, taking advantage of Evan’s emotions like this, but he kept going anyway, “I would never, you’re not unlovable, I, I love you.” He couldn’t stop himself.

Evan had the susupicion that Jared didn’t mean it but the idea of feeling love, of someone being close and caring, sounded so nice in his current state. He smiled softly “Y-you really mean it?”

“Oh, of course I do” Jared almost whispered “I would never lie to you”

Evan nodded, “I-I’m sorry- I shouldn’t doubt you” he wiped his eyes with the back of his free hand, “I mean-” he looked down as the words died out.

“No, no, it’s fine” he laced his fingers with Evan’s and sighed. “Let’s get you out of bed” he started to slide out.

Evan swallowed down his pride and any negative emotions. He pulled Jared towards him and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. “Thank you”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, I hate me too, it's okay. I just wanted to spice things up.
> 
> My tumblr is @annoyingballofanger I never post anything but feel free to message me if you want, I don't care what you guys do, I just want to talk about musicals with someone.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHng,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yooooooooo, I'm alive and back with a new chapter baby, I promise the next chapter will be out sooner and it won't take as long as this one.  
> There's a lot of self projecting in this one too, w o o p s

There is a fine line between actually loving someone and using them as a rebound, and Evan couldn’t have hated himself more for using Jared as a rebound. He was fully aware that what he was doing wasn’t right, and that technically he was using Jared, but his mind was cloudy and he wanted to feel loved.

Evan had called and texted Connor an absurd amount of times. He thought that maybe eventually he would answer.

He never did.

Evan knew, in a way, that this was his fault. Connor left him, and if Evan had been a little more careful, a little more attentive, Connor would still be there.

From Jared: omw, be ready

Evan had promised Jared that he would make it to school that day, he had finally convinced Evan that shutting himself off from society wasn’t going to fix anything. Now Jared was on his way to Evan’s house and he felt like he was going to throw up.

He threw on a shirt and spent a few minutes staring at himself before changing and pulling on a slightly dirty pair of jeans. He grabbed a jacket that was hanging off the desk chair and pulled it on. Evan grabbed his faded backpack off the floor and started downstairs from his room. 

His phone dinged with a text.

Evan’s heart leaped.

It happened every time, his phone would go off and Evan would immediately think it was Connor, it never was. It was actually a text from Jared telling him that he was at his house.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fifth period and Evan was already so tired. From exhausting interactions with his peers to being called out by all of his previous teachers, the day was consistently going downhill. 

The occasional sideways glances that Zoe kept sending him throughout the class never went without notice.

_ ‘She probably knows about him and where he is or how he his.’  _ Evan’s mind raced, to ask her about Connor or to not ask her. He couldn’t remember the last time he had an actual conversation with her. 

The bell rung.

Evan stood and grabbed his bag off the floor as he merged with the flood of students making their way out of the door. He got pushed and shoved around until he made his way around the corner into a clear part of the hall.

“You look like a lost puppy,” Evan felt an arm swing around him. Jared had at some point showed up next to him. His arm dropped from Evan, “but for real, I’m glad you’re here”.

“Oh… uh, it’s kind of required, Jared.” Evan tugged at his backpack straps and looked anywhere but Jared.

“That’s never stopped you from calling in “sick” before”, he sighed and gestured with his hand awkwardly. “Heard anything from Connor?” Jared visibly shrunk in on himself, as if it hurt hi to ask that, which in a way, it did.

“I, uh, no, I haven’t,” Evan didn’t bring anything new to the conversation, and he didn’t want to. Jared looked like he was going to say something before reaching for Evan and then quickly pulled away. He looked around, and walked away. 

Evan ducked into a bathroom and pulled out his phone. He ducked into a stall and dialed Connor’s number for what felt like the hundredth time. He listened to the phone ring before it stopped mid ring and he heard a tired voice from the other side.

“Evan…” Connor sounded more relieved than Evan had ever heard him sound before. It was strange, hearing Connor after going so long without him. It hadn’t been up until this point where Evan realized just how much he missed Connor and just how much he wanted him back.

“Oh my God, Connor” Evan’s face scrunched up, glad that Connor couldn’t see him. Guilt suddenly washed over him, even though Connor had unoficially broken up with Evan, he still felt gross for even entertaining the notion that he was with Jared. “Connor, are you okay?” 

“I’m fine, look, I’m getting better, do you think you could cut school and come meet me?” Connor sounded tentative, but of course he did, after having left Evan for days on end, there was no telling how Evan would react.

“I’m going to get a detention, but sure, where?” Evan was already grabbing his bag off of the bathroom floor and unlocking the stall, scrambling to meet Connor as soon as possible.

“Can I just… meet you at your house?” Connor paused briefly, “I hope you know that I called Zoe around an hour ago, she knows I’m okay.” 

_ ‘So that’s why she seemed so off and kept sending me those weird looks’ _ . Evan stayed quiet for a minute before agreeing. “Sure, I’ll see you soon?” Evan was aware he trusted too easily, but this was too good for Evan to be suspicious of Connor right now. He needed Evan, and he would do anything for Connor. 

“Yeah, thank you.” The line went dead and Evan slowly pocketed his phone. He started down the hall, having already left the bathroom. It was lunch time so that made the challenge of getting out even harder. He stopped at an intersection of halls and saw Jared sitting with a small group, including Zoe. He blinked a few times, faintly recognizing the sound of his name being called by Jared. His feet lead him down the hall toward them against his will and stood over the group of four.

“Jared, I have to go, I’m sorry. I know I said I’d stay, but this is really important,” his words were almost a whisper as he explained to Jared. Evan purposely left out Connor’s name, his gut telling him that everything was wrong with that.

“Fine, just take care of yourself” Jared pulled Evan closer to him, but Evan lurched away and scrambled up.

“I’m sorry, I can’t, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Evan shook his head and walked away, not stopping as he walked out of the door. He quickly realized that his ride was Jared and there was no way Jared would let him borrow his car or even give him a ride considering what just happened. Evan thanked whatever god that might be listening that his house was still walking distance away, even if it would take a little longer than expected. 

He zipped up his jacket and stuck his hands in his pockets. He started the treck to his house. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Connor was sitting on Evan’s porch when he finally arrived. He looked almost half asleep just sitting there. Evan stood at the end of the sidewalk, across the way from Connor.

“Con?” He asked quietly, not wanting to start something.

Connor’s head jerked up and he looked over Evan, a small smile on his face. Evan grinned slightly and walked toward Connor, having to fight the urge to either throw himself at Connor or punch him in the face. 

“I fucking missed you,” Evan mumbled as he wrapped his arms around Connor and all but sat in his lap, it was an awkward postion but Evan didn’t care. He took Connor’s face into his hands and looked him over. “You’re a mess, don’t ever leave again, please.”

Connor grabbed Evan’s wrists and pulled them away from his face before leaning forward and catching Evan in a kiss, so many things were said in that kiss, yet nothing at all.

“Where were you?” Evan had pulled apart long enough to ask the question. He leaned forward again to kiss Connor.

Connor moved back slightly to answer the question, much to Evan’s dismay. “I drove, all I did was drive, I went nowhere.” Connor shook his head, “you’re getting into this too much, why do you let me do this to you, you have to get pissed Evan, say something”.

Evan winced, again, this was a problem of his. “I know, I am mad, it’s just that I missed you, and I-I felt so guilty” He shrunk in on himself and moved off of Connor. He slid away and leaned against one of the pillars holding up the porch roof. “Why… why do you keep turning me away?” His face flushed, from embarrassment and anger at the same time. 

“Evan, I’m trying. I swear I’m getting better, or at least I’m trying. I have my meds, I started taking them again and-”

“You stopped?” Evan’s eyebrows scrunched together in worry.  He didn’t even care that he interupted Connor, which wasn’t something he did very often. “Connor, you’re not supposed to do that, when did you stop?”

“Around the time I got kicked out…” He squinted. “But I’m on them again, please believe me, Evan.”

“Of course I do, can I- can I…?” He reached out towards Connor and watched as he nodded. Evan moved over and hugged Connor’s arm to himself. “You’re okay, you’re getting better, we’ll get better” Evan’s words were shaking, it was obvious he was mainly trying to convince himself. 

“I love you Evan, I really do. Remember that when I lose my mind, okay?” Connor shifted and kissed the top of Evan’s head.

“You won’t, you won’t ever lose your mind, I’ve got you. I’m here” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, what a strange turn of events, see you next time on "What else can I mess up in these kids lives.  
> Comments and kudos give me motivation to write!!  
> Tell me if there are any typos please!!


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a wild ride, my friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been nice sharing this with you, thank you for reading and I'll be back on archive eventually with a new story.  
> Exactly one thousand words, kids. Have fun.

Evan squinted up at the sky, the sun was peaking out from behind a few clouds causing for a decent day. He almost wished it would rain, just so it might match his mood. Evan hadn’t talked in a few days but it was the day he might have to force a few words.

Connor’s funeral.

He had killed himself a week after he came back to Evan. No one knew why, Evan was with him for almost the entire week and Connor almost seemed to be getting better until he dropped out of Evan’s life again, this time for good. 

The sad part is, Evan still hadn’t cried, maybe it was the shock, or maybe he knew in the back of his mind that this was coming. It was a scary thing to think about, that he knew it was coming, but not much went right with Evan, it was only natural. The guilt was on Evan, because somehow, in a way, it was definitely his fault.

The grossest thing about Connor’s funeral was the fact that Connor wanted to be cremated but nobody knew that. Evan did, but he didn’t feel like he had the right to say anything, he didn’t want to take away this period of mourning from the murphy’s. 

Evan stood with them in the cemetery. The pastor’s words blurred together in Evan’s mind, the white noise was back. Even though Evan and Connor’s relationship was unstable and gross, Connor had never let the white noise hold Evan down for too long. 

He was vaguely aware of Mrs. Murphy’s arm around him, a pathetic attempt to console him. Evan felt faint, Connor accomplished the only thing Evan wanted to do for months and suddenly he wanted to take everything back. He wanted to take back the suffering and fear, and if never being in a relationship with Connor meant he wouldn’t kill himself, Evan would give it all up. 

Evan clenched his fits in the pockets of his jacket. He regret wearing it, it was too warm, but he needed something to hide himself in. 

The day after Connor came back everything was perfect. Evan had skipped school that day much to Connor’s dismay. He was pretty much attached to Connor that day and the few days that followed until their final day together. 

Zoe was the one that found him. He was bleeding out in the bathroom with a note in his back pocket that was too crushed and scribbled over to actually understand. Zoe had barely said anything since then, she wasn’t close to her brother at all, but it was obvious that it still crushed her.

Mrs. Murphy had tried giving the note to Evan, but after furiously rejecting it and a panic attack, she finally gave up. She probably hadn’t let go of it at all. 

Evan turned into even more of a recluse than he was before. For the short time they were together, Connor was Evan’s only anchor and now he was slowly floating away. 

The sound the Mrs. Murphy’s voice and her hand on his back jolted him back to reality. “Evan, do you need a moment alone?” She looked concerned. 

Evan glanced around and noticed that he had zoned out for too long and pretty much everyone had left. He looked back at her and nodded softly, “if that’s okay.” His voice was barely above a whisper. He watched as she nodded and led the remaining members of the family a distance away. 

His senses heightened as he looked at Connor’s grave. This wasn’t right, this was anything but what Evan wanted in life. Evan rubbed his nose and took a step closer. He coughed and choked back tears.

“Was this my fault?” Evan’s words hung in the air. He could almost feel them weigh down the world. “Did I do something?” Of course he wasn’t planning on getting an answer and he didn’t. Evan ran a hand through his hair, “Jesus, Jesus Connor. Why? Why wasn’t I enough? Why wasn’t your family enough? I could have been your family if you had just waited a little bit longer.” Evan’s voice had dropped so that he could barely hear himself. 

Tears streamed down his face as he kicked his toe into the dirt in front of him. The sun streamed down on him, almost blinding him when he finally looked up from the ground.

“I hope you’re happy, wherever you are,” Evan nodded to himself and stepped back. He hesitated briefly before finally walking away from the grave. 

He thanked the Murphy’s and offered obligatory condolences for the second time that day and excused himself to go home. Evan’s mom couldn’t make it to the funeral due to an overload at the hospital which left him to drive himself. 

Evan sat in his car for at least five minutes just staring out of the window. He rubbed his eye and started the car. He pulled into the street and started the short drive back home. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He left his phone at home just to avoid anything from anyone. He found three messages from his mom all saying the same uniform things about how sorry she was and how she wished she could have made it. Even with all the things bouncing around in his head the only thing he could think about how awful it was that she wished she could have made it to the funeral. No one wants to go to a funeral. Evan knew she meant it in the best way, but that was the only way he could properly comprehend.

Evan glanced over the money his mom had left on the counter for him. He picked up his phone again to call in for food. He stared at the numbers on his screen and shoved his phone back into his pocket. Instead of eating, Evan went to his room and just tried to forget everything that has happened.

He wished he could forget Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again, and please leave a comment or kudos.  
> It's been a pleasure


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